Parents - We Can't Escape What We Model

I recently had a conversation with one of my adult coaching clients about his twelve year old son. He was talking about son's growing negativity, how he couldn't stand to be around his own son, and how his son seemed to always have to have the last word.

He went on to discuss how frustrating it was to listen to him complain repeatedly. He also explained his many efforts to nurture him toward more independence and autonomy, and was exasperated with his inability to convince him to stop blaming others for his misery.

As my client was taking, notice how he is using his time with me. He is complaining about his son complaining...and he doesn't even notice it! This is how modeling works.

HOW he does life…is HOW his son does life. He just doesn't see it...because he has the mental story that he is worried about his son's tendencies, and is blind to his own tendencies. He sees his son as negative, always complaining and unwilling to walk away from a conversation without getting in the last word.

Yet, the reality is that this dad is always complaining to his son about his behavior. He constantly thinking negative and pessimistic thoughts about his son. Ultimately, dad is also unwilling to let his son have the last word, and it is dad who really wants to have the last word

While strongly asserting his disapproval of his son's complaints, he is the one complaining...ABOUT HIS SON! How he is using his attention is very similar to the way his son uses his attention. The problem is not that this father is inaccurate in his view of his son: it's likely that his son is challenging. However, what dad is missing here is the fact that he is modeling (and thus teaching) the very behavior he doesn't want his son to have.

The key purpose of this article is to heighten your awareness of the power of modeling. In the session with my client, he is hooked into discussions about his son's behavior. He is caught up in the content of his complaints and neediness, and focused on "how my son is making himself miserable." In doing so, he is missing "how he is making his own life miserable." He just can't see it!

What we model affects children on several levels, and has more power than we suspect. This is because children learn the "how" of living by how parents use their attention and energy. We teach it by what we talk about. We teach it by what we complain about. We teach by what we notice, and what we ignore.

We are constantly modeling to our children "how" to live. There are other influences, of course, but modeling is the most powerful part of the teaching experience for children. So, while the words and contents of your conversations with your kids are important, the more powerful part of your role as a teacher and guide is through the way that you live. It's through how you do your life.

For most of us, we are well aware of the kinds of things that we can do that are healthy versus the kinds of things that are unhealthy.

There is no longer much argument about whether or not smoking is unhealthy...it will likely harm you. There is little debate about whether or not exercise is good for you...a lack of exercise will compromise your life. There is little need to discuss the role of processed sugars and simple carbohydrates…they are harmful over the long term.

In situation after situation, how you discipline yourself to maintain healthy habits is much more important than any words or discussions that you have about those habits. In reality, this is about walking our talk and noticing whether we use words to try to teach, or do we lead with healthy habits that demonstrate our commitments?

Do I habitually get angry when I don't want my children to react with anger? Do I speak negatively about the in-laws when I want my children to be respectful? Do I regularly talk about exercise, but my kids have never seen me lift anything other than the TV remote?

When discussing your day-to-day activities and the events of your life, what do you tend to focus on? What gets your repeated attention in your home?

Do you complain about your co-workers? Do you focus on what your children aren't doing? Do you keep discussing problems? Do you keep noticing what is not working ... rather than what is working?

All in all, is it a world where your kids are experiencing you as a complainer, focused on negativity ...or do they experience you as a parent focused on what's working and going well?

This is a critical distinction to make. It will shape how your children learn to focus their attention.

In the day-to-day life around your home, what hooks your attention? What pulls you in? What do you notice most?

Are you constantly reminding your kids to take care of their clothes? Is it endless nagging to keep them on top of their homework?

Or ...is most of your energy focused on catching moments of cooperation? Are you vigilant in noticing the kids while they are doing their homework....rather than while they are staring out the window?

Do you comment on parts of the room that are neat and orderly…rather than the parts that are not quite there yet?

In this way, you teach your kids "how" to live life. You're teaching them whether to invest their energy in what they value and appreciate…. or whether to invest their energy in finding problems that they don't like.

These three questions are really just a wakeup call to be aware. For all of us, it is likely that the first and most important influence on our children will be how we live our lives, rather than how we tell our children to live their lives. So we must walk our talk to have integrity, and to unlock the power contained in the many other tools available for parents striving to be effective and loving guides for our children.

Dr. Randy L. Cale is a licensed psychologist and offers parental coaching through his website http://www.TerrificParenting.com

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